Insecurity. I have days when I am wracked with it. I wish I knew where this part of me was hidden because I’d have it removed from my psyche like the nasty wart that it is. But there is no surgery for this. It’s a relationship issue, between me and God, that requires my attention daily.
Life has been filled with experiences I never imagined for myself. When Matt and I were in our early twenties, we had big plans. Our career paths were mapped out, we planned to raise a couple great kids, have a nice house, travel, serve God (like how I snuck that in there?). God was on our list, not always in the proper place.
We didn’t count on cancer entering our lives. And we certainly didn’t plan that Matt would die of cancer at age 36. This experience turned my life completely upside down. Or was it right side up? Today, I’m an author, radio show host, philanthropist, speaker, blogger, wife to a second husband and mom to five kids. Matt and I didn’t have plans that looked like this. This is totally unexpected, but this is what happens when you say “yes” to God. Matt taught me this.
Before he died, we did one critical thing that changed our lives. We recognized God’s place in our lives and we rearranged everything to accommodate that relationship. Our entire focus shifted from the temporal to the eternal. We sought His will and direction, even when we didn’t like it.
I am in awe of where God has directed my life and yet I continually ask him, “What makes You think I can do all this?” Sometimes it comes out more like, “Are you crazy? I can’t do all this!” My insecurity rears its ugly head almost daily, and in the midst of my fits, I get the strong sense that God is laughing at me.
It reminds me of those moments with my kids, when I can see something in them they can’t. They whine, cry and fight, but I know they can do it. They have everything they need to succeed. They only need the confidence to do it. When they trust enough to understand that I led them down the right path, they are changed, even if things didn’t go how they planned. Having trust and confidence in something outside yourself can be a challenge, but it will change everything about you, and how you approach every relationship and problem in your life.
The Bible verse I chose for this week encourages generosity. It’s more than being kind to others and giving freely. It’s got to do with having the confidence to do what God wants you to do. Once your given an opportunity, a marriage, a job, a child, a ministry, you can cry out to God, “I didn’t sign up for this!” but then you must trust Him and place your confidence in Him so that you can generously give what you need in order to meet the challenge set before you.
“And God is able to make all grace abound in you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” 2 Corinthians 9:8